[rim] 2004/02/26 - day two hundred forty seven b

[Will Holcomb]

I decided to break it up since it was looking like it would run long and 
that was an appropriate breaking point.

My second experience with shame was yesterday morning (Ash Wednesday) 
which began Lent. As I mentioned before I am not speaking English during 
Lent with those people who speak French better than I do. I'm also, for 
pragmatic purposes, allowed to speak English on the phone and when 
appropriate at work. Since 75% of my time as of late is hanging around 
with other volunteers I speak alot of unnecessary English though.

So, tomorrow morning I went by Marc's to meet up with Margaret to help 
her with some computer stuff. Carl was there too, so we had the four of 
us and I passed the entire time almost completely in silence. Marc 
actually asked me that evening what was wrong because I'd not said 
anything in his presence for him to know that I wasn't speaking English.

I talk about my French being bad. Honestly it isn't wretched. It is what 
is referred to as "conversational." I can express most basic ideas 
though my formulation is often incorrect. Things such as the conditional 
("I would go if I have he time") and often the simple future ("I will 
go") I really have a hard time with and it limits my expressibility of 
complex ideas. My vocab is coming. The large number of cognates helps. 
Much like with the verbs I can just start defining the word and the 
other person will pick up on the idea.

I decidedly do not sound either intelligent or succinct though; two 
things I pride myself on in my language.

To compound things I am the worst French speaker here and sometimes I 
will say something wrong and someone will laugh at me or make fun of me. 
I am learning that I apparently have a noticeable accent (and mockable) 
in both my French and English. I've been trying to hear it, but it is 
hard. That is mostly something I want to leave for later, but is still a 
source of reluctance in speaking.

The reason that I am doing this French thing is how bad I am at it. My 
need to improve is important but doesn't really qualify it as something 
for Lent. How self-conscious I am about it and how readily available I 
have an alternative to avoid it does.

As I mentioned in closing yesterday it has, thus far, meant me spending 
much more time in silence than speaking French. Even though though has 
been good for me since I get antsy sometimes when things are too quiet 
for too long. This leaves me to either deal with the silence or try and 
come up with an ice breaker in French; both challenging to me.

So, I passed the morning in silence and self-consciousness. I didn't 
break my discipline though and I'm proud of that. The one time I did was 
when I was working on the pancakes and someone asked me a question and I 
simply forgot because I was occupied with something else.

Last night I was pretty happy with the dinner. It turned out to be more 
like apple cobbler and crepes than apple pancakes, but several people 
came by and everyone seemed pleased. One thing that turned out well was 
the syrup that was made with honey, cloves, cinnamon and orange 
marmalade. It was cooking by the seat of my pants and it panned out, 
happily.

After the dinner though we were sitting around and I was really bothered 
by some of what was said. People were just sitting around chatting and 
gossiping. There's not very much in this country to discuss other than 
the other volunteers. Generally I am cool with it. I can recognize most 
of the characteristics people identify (he get pissed off easy, she is 
loud, etc.). I don't usually find things as annoying as most people, but 
that's just amicability.

Last night though they were talking about someone who identify with alot 
and bringing attention to her playfulness. This bothered me. Not so much 
that they were talking about my friend, since everyone gets talked about 
and it doesn't affect anything, but that I share many of those 
characteristics and I wonder what they say about me when I am not in the 
room.

As I sat there, in silence of course, I went through another round of 
doubt about my Lenten discipline. It is decidedly not normal and I don't 
like the idea of these people who are my best friends here not liking me 
because I'm weird. Back home I had a group that was entertained by 
quirks and was generally pretty accepting. Being mostly honors dorks 
they were pretty quickly bored with non-challenging things and as people 
working on emotional development they generally had the discernment to 
allow others freedom of expression.

I feel like I am leaning toward sour grapes. I'm not calling my friends 
here stupid or boorish; just that eccentricity is not as relished here.

It sort of makes me sad to be away from home. I'm sure it will pass. 
I've been with these people for the last seven months and I really like 
them. I just had a moment where I felt very much like a stranger.

Well, I am off to find some supper.

Love,
Will